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Profile: Lazy, dumb, squinting, staring, New Jersey devils-loving, recovering germaphobe with Christian music on all his car presets. Irked: Elaine with all of the above and by painting his face for a hockey game, taking her to Arby's one too many times, wearing a man-fur, and not caring that she'll go to hell...and Jerry by stealing his "move," excessive high-fiving, and waffling on a SAAB deal. |
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Irked: George with her intelligence and maturity (and expecting the same of him), by challenging his driving prowess, agreeing to marry him, then, in death, screwing him out of millions. |
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Profile: Persnickety and oddly childish; forbids ink in his office (perferring pencils with the finest points); eats Snickers bars with cutlery; find Woody Woodpecker's laugh "intoxicating"; mesmerized by 3-D posters; friend of Jackie O. Irked: Elaine With his fussy demands (picking salt off pretzels by hand, finding a "decent" sock) and removing her from his will. |
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Profile: Devotee of Mendy's restaurant; overbeaaringly generous; favors banal routines about Ovaltine and shopping carts with one bad wheel. Irked: Jerry by representing the basset of American taste in comedy, stringing him along for a free meal (in exchange for an unwanted Armani suit), capitalizing on his killer stand-up lead-ins and dating one of Jerry's exes ("Toothbrush-in-the-toilet" Jenna) |
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Profile: Chemically unbalanced; maniacally obsessed with opera (occasionally adopts the guise of doomed clown Pagliacci) and Elaine (to the point of building a shrine to her); sensitive to party slights; prone to quoting John Wilkes Booth (Sic semper tyrannis--Thus always to tyrants) during assassination attempts. Irked: Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine by stalking them and threatening them with violence. |
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Profile: Staunch anticommunist (his adored mother was killed by them in Greece); gastrointestinal sufferer; makes a nice duck Irked: Jerry by urinating on his new couch and serving him food after using the bathroom and not washing his hands... Elaine for his anti-abortion politics...and Kramer by his unyielding condiment facism (he will not permit the lowly cucumber on the duo's make-your-own- pizzas. |
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Profile: Former opium ("yam yam") dabbler; clothed naked natives of Bantu Besh; prone to rambling declarations (in several languages, including a Papuan dialect) Irked: Elaine By--oh, the list's as endless as one of his anecdotes George by making him keep a deathwatch on ailing Mama P.; attend her funeral; and reveal his ATM number...and Kramer by appropriating his life stories |
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Profile: Attended school with John Voight (the periodontist); attractive yet creepy Irked: Jerry By not inviting him to his Thanksgiving-eve party, possibly molesting him while he was sedated, de-gifting Super Bowl tickets, and converting to Judaism---for the jokes... Elaine by re-gifting a label maker and making sexual presumptions about their Super Bowl trip...and Kramer by anesthetizing him to the point of idiocy |
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Profile: Competitive and feisty (he's taken on offenders twice his size); tendency to heighten (add lifts); successfully portrayed the Hamlet of diseases, bacterial meningitis; parents look suspiciously like Robert Wagner and Jill St. John Irked: Kramer by marrying Karen (who really wanted Kramer) instead of Julie (who really wanted him) |
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Profile: Kindhearted, yet utterly corrupt; guilty of trash picking and shoplifting, with a prior conviction for a "crime of passion"; adores Jerry (but not as much as Cousin Jeffrey); believes in an anti-Semitic conspiracy Irked: Jerry With his petty larceny, but showing up at inconvenient moments, snitching to his parents, killing him with kindness...and Morty Seinfeld by not giving Helen Seinfeld the $50 he's owed her since 1941 |
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Profiles: Parents to Susan and Ricky; incessant bickerers; his love is reserved for the "work" of John Cheever, cigars, and his father's cabin; hers for booze and other people's misfortunes (especially his) Irked: George By their condescention, guilt-tripping him into Susan Ross Foundation service, and catching him in a Hamptons lie...and The Costanzas for not serving their marble rye (or even a piece of cake!) at dinner |
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Profile: Tall, brazen, self-satisfied Irked: Elaine by stealing her high school beau, being a "braless wonder" and then inspiring Peterman's "Gatsby Swing Top," nearly outbidding her for JFK's golf clubs, and issuing and "unvitation" to her wedding... George By cracking up his car (her public display of cleavage had Kramer driving it off the road)...and Kramer by seducing the star witness (Jerry) in the resulting lawsuit against her |
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